What Your Emotions Are Trying to Tell You

Your emotions are not always the problem. Sometimes they are the message.

We have been taught, in so many different ways, to control our emotions.

We are told to calm down when we are angry.
To move on when we are grieving.
To stop being jealous.
To control our anxiety.
To let go of shame.
To stay busy when we don’t want to feel.

And while learning to regulate our emotions is important, there is something deeper that we can easily miss:

An emotion may be trying to tell you something.

Instead of immediately asking, “How do I stop feeling this?” perhaps we should sometimes ask:

“What is this feeling revealing about me?”

Because the emotion may not be the wound.

It may be the signal pointing toward the wound.

Jealousy May Reveal Where You Don’t Believe You Are Enough

Jealousy can be uncomfortable because it often exposes something we would rather not see.

We may believe that we are jealous because somebody else has something we want. But beneath the jealousy there can sometimes be a much deeper belief:

Maybe I’m not enough.

Maybe someone else’s success makes us question our own value.

Maybe someone else’s relationship makes us question whether we are lovable.

Maybe someone else’s beauty, confidence, wealth or achievements trigger a comparison that says:

They have something I don’t have.

And beneath that comparison may be a wound around worth.

The jealousy isn’t necessarily telling you that the other person has done something wrong.

It may be asking you to look at the way you see yourself.

Anger May Reveal Where You Lost Control of Something You Needed

Anger often arrives when something doesn’t happen the way we wanted it to.

Someone leaves.

Someone disappoints us.

Someone says no.

Something changes.

We lose something.

We are ignored, rejected, betrayed or misunderstood.

And beneath the anger may be a much more vulnerable feeling:

I couldn’t control this.

Perhaps you needed security.

Perhaps you needed recognition.

Perhaps you needed love.

Perhaps you needed certainty.

Perhaps you needed somebody to behave differently.

Anger can sometimes be the protective layer covering the helplessness underneath.

So instead of only asking, “Why am I angry?” ask:

“What did I need that I felt I could no longer control, protect or hold on to?”

That question can take you somewhere much deeper.

Grief Reveals How Much It Mattered

We often treat grief as something that needs to be overcome.

But grief is not necessarily evidence that something has gone wrong.

Sometimes grief is evidence that something mattered.

You grieve because you loved.

You grieve because you cared.

You grieve because there was meaning.

You grieve because there was connection.

The depth of the grief can sometimes tell you something about the depth of the love.

Rather than rushing to make grief disappear, perhaps we can learn to sit beside it.

To say:

This mattered to me.

This person mattered to me.

This experience mattered to me.

I loved.

And perhaps that is why this hurts.

Anxiety May Reveal a Part of You Still Preparing for Danger

Anxiety can sometimes feel as though danger is present even when there is no immediate threat.

The body remembers.

The nervous system learns.

Experiences can teach us to anticipate what might happen next.

And sometimes we continue preparing for something that has already happened.

A part of us is still standing guard.

Still watching.

Still waiting.

Still saying:

Be careful.

Don’t trust.

Something is going to go wrong.

The important question may not always be, “How do I get rid of my anxiety?”

It may also be:

“What danger does a part of me still believe is coming?”

And then:

“Has that danger already passed?”

Sometimes healing begins when the body slowly learns that the present is not the past.

Shame May Reveal an Old Decision About Who You Are

Shame can be particularly powerful because it doesn’t simply say:

I did something wrong.

It can say:

“I am wrong.”

There is a profound difference between those two statements.

A person can make a mistake without being a mistake.

A person can behave badly without being a bad person.

A person can experience something painful without becoming defined by it.

Yet somewhere along the way, many people make conclusions about themselves.

I’m not good enough.

I’m unlovable.

I’m broken.

I’m bad.

Something is wrong with me.

And those conclusions can remain long after the original experience has passed.

So when shame appears, perhaps we can ask:

“When did I first decide this about myself?”

That question may lead us back to an old story that has been influencing the present for years.

Numbness May Reveal How Much You Haven’t Allowed Yourself to Feel

Not feeling can also be a form of protection.

Sometimes life becomes too overwhelming, and the safest thing we can do is disconnect.

We keep going.

We carry on.

We work.

We function.

We smile.

We say we’re fine.

But somewhere underneath it all, there may be feelings that have never had the opportunity to be experienced.

So numbness may not mean there is nothing inside you.

Sometimes it may mean there is too much inside you.

And the question becomes:

“What have I had to stop myself from feeling in order to keep going?”

We Often Try to Silence the Messenger

This is where many of us get it backwards.

We try to fix the emotion.

We try to suppress the jealousy.

Manage the anger.

Escape the grief.

Control the anxiety.

Hide the shame.

Stay busy so we don’t have to feel.

But what if the emotion isn’t the enemy?

What if it is the messenger?

What if it is your body and your inner world pointing toward a place that still needs attention?

The emotion is saying:

“Look here.”

And instead of listening, we say:

“Go away.”

But when we silence the messenger, we may never hear the message.

Feeling Is Different From Feeding

There is an important distinction here.

Feeling an emotion doesn’t mean acting on it.

You can feel anger without hurting someone.

You can feel jealousy without attacking another person.

You can feel grief without believing you will always be broken.

You can feel anxiety without assuming that danger is actually present.

You can feel shame without accepting that you are shameful.

The goal isn’t to become controlled by your emotions.

The goal is to become curious about them.

To notice them.

To listen to them.

To understand what they may be pointing toward.

And then, where appropriate and safe, to allow the underlying feeling to be experienced rather than continually avoided.

The Question That Can Change Everything

The next time a powerful emotion comes over you, pause before trying to make it disappear.

Take a breath.

Notice what is happening.

And instead of asking:

“How do I stop feeling this?”

Ask:

“What is this really revealing about me?”

Then become curious.

What happened just before I felt this?

What did I need?

What am I afraid of losing?

What does this remind me of?

What am I believing about myself?

When have I felt this before?

What have I never allowed myself to feel?

And perhaps the most important question:

“Can I stay present with this feeling without judging myself for having it?”

Your Emotions May Be Leading You Back to Yourself

Healing doesn’t necessarily mean becoming a person who never feels jealousy, anger, grief, anxiety, shame or numbness.

Perhaps healing means becoming someone who knows how to listen when those emotions arrive.

Because behind jealousy may be a question about worth.

Behind anger may be helplessness.

Behind grief may be love.

Behind anxiety may be an old survival response.

Behind shame may be an old conclusion about who you are.

Behind numbness may be feelings that have been waiting to be acknowledged.

So the next time an emotion rises, don’t immediately try to get rid of it.

Pause.

Breathe.

Listen.

Ask:

“What are you here to show me?”

And then stay with it long enough to find out.

Because sometimes the feeling we have spent years trying to escape is actually the very thing that has been trying to lead us back to ourselves.

Always remember: your emotions are not necessarily asking you to fight them. Sometimes they are asking you to listen.