People Give You What They Are, Not What You Deserve

One of the most difficult lessons we learn in life is that people do not always give us what we deserve.

They give us what they have.

They give us what they know.

They give us what they have learned.

They give us what they are capable of giving.

And sometimes, they give us what they are.

A person who has learned love may know how to give love. Someone who has experienced kindness may know how to offer kindness. A person who has developed emotional maturity may know how to communicate, listen, apologise and take responsibility.

But someone who is carrying fear, insecurity, anger, resentment or unresolved pain may give those things instead.

This can be incredibly difficult to understand because we naturally assume that the way people treat us must somehow reflect our value.

If someone rejects us, we may think, “Perhaps I am not good enough.”

If someone ignores us, we may think, “Perhaps I am not important.”

If someone continually criticises us, we may begin to believe there is something wrong with us.

If someone does not love us in the way we need to be loved, we may conclude that we are somehow unlovable.

But what if their behaviour is not actually a measurement of our worth?

What if it is simply a reflection of where they are?

People Can Only Give From What They Have

Imagine asking someone who has never learned a language to speak it fluently.

You can explain the words. You can demonstrate the pronunciation. You can even become frustrated with them.

But they cannot give you what they have never learned.

Relationships can work in much the same way.

Someone who has never learned healthy communication may struggle to communicate.

Someone who has never experienced emotional safety may struggle to create it for someone else.

Someone who has never learned how to express love may love you deeply but still struggle to express that love in a way you recognise.

And someone who has never learned how to respect themselves may struggle to consistently respect others.

This does not make harmful behaviour acceptable.

It simply helps us understand it.

Understanding why someone behaves a certain way does not mean we have to remain available to receive it.

Stop Measuring Your Worth by What Someone Else Gives You

Perhaps one of the greatest mistakes we make is allowing another person’s capacity to become the measurement of our worth.

Someone cannot see your value, and you begin believing you have no value.

Someone cannot appreciate you, and you begin believing you are not worthy of appreciation.

Someone cannot love you properly, and you begin believing that you are difficult to love.

But another person’s inability to recognise your worth does not remove your worth.

A person’s inability to give you something does not automatically mean you do not deserve it.

Sometimes the problem is not that you are asking for too much.

Sometimes you are asking the wrong person.

What Do You Deserve?

This question is worth sitting with.

What do you believe you deserve from life?

Do you deserve respect?

Do you deserve kindness?

Do you deserve honesty?

Do you deserve peace?

Do you deserve healthy relationships?

Do you deserve to be heard?

Do you deserve forgiveness?

Do you deserve compassion?

Do you deserve to believe in yourself?

And perhaps the most important question is:

Are you giving these things to yourself?

Because we can spend years waiting for another person to give us something that we have the power to begin giving ourselves today.

We wait for someone to tell us that we are enough.

We wait for someone to validate our choices.

We wait for someone to make us feel worthy.

We wait for someone to rescue us from the pain we have been carrying.

But there comes a point where we have to turn inward and ask:

“What if I stopped waiting?”

What if I began giving myself the respect I have been asking others to give me?

What if I began protecting my own peace?

What if I stopped speaking to myself in ways I would never speak to someone I love?

What if I stopped abandoning myself simply because someone else had abandoned me?

You Cannot Control What People Give You

One of the greatest freedoms in life comes from understanding what is and is not within our control.

You cannot make someone love you.

You cannot make someone respect you.

You cannot make someone understand you.

You cannot make someone become emotionally mature.

You cannot make someone give you what they have never developed within themselves.

But you can decide what you will accept.

You can decide where you will stay.

You can decide what you will give your time and energy to.

And, most importantly, you can decide what you will give yourself.

This is where the conversation changes.

It moves from:

“Why aren’t they giving me what I deserve?”

to:

“Why am I waiting for them to give me something I can begin giving myself?”

Give Yourself What You Deserve

Perhaps this is one of the most important forms of personal responsibility.

Give yourself patience.

Give yourself compassion.

Give yourself permission to make mistakes.

Give yourself another chance.

Give yourself boundaries.

Give yourself rest.

Give yourself encouragement.

Give yourself forgiveness.

Give yourself love.

And give yourself the courage to walk away from environments where you are continually being given something that diminishes you.

Because when you begin to understand your own value, you stop negotiating it with everyone else.

You no longer need every person to agree with your worth.

You no longer need every person to understand you.

You no longer need to convince someone to appreciate you.

You begin to understand:

Their inability to give does not determine your deserving.

People give you what they are.

And sometimes what they are capable of giving will be beautiful.

Sometimes it will be limited.

Sometimes it will be painful.

Sometimes it will be everything you hoped for.

And sometimes it will be something you simply cannot continue accepting.

The wisdom is learning the difference.

Because ultimately, your life cannot be built entirely around what other people are capable of giving you.

At some point, you have to become the person who gives yourself what you deserve.

People give you what they are.
You give yourself what you deserve.

And perhaps that is where a different kind of freedom begins.