What Is Speaking Through You?
There is something fascinating about the human tongue.
It is small, yet it can build a relationship, destroy a relationship, comfort a person, humiliate a person, create peace, create conflict, offer hope, or leave someone carrying pain for years.
We often think of words as simply words.
But our words reveal something.
They reveal what we are thinking.
They reveal what we are feeling.
They reveal what we have experienced.
And sometimes, they reveal what we are still carrying.
The question is not only:
“What are you saying?”
Perhaps the deeper question is:
“What is speaking through you?”
The Tongue Can Create Separation
There is a way of speaking that creates distance between people.
Bitterness sounds like:
“After everything I’ve done for you…”
Harshness sounds like:
“You never listen.”
Criticism sounds like:
“You always get everything wrong.”
Blame sounds like:
“This is all your fault.”
Contempt sounds like:
“I don’t know why I ever expected anything from you.”
Sarcasm can disguise hurt behind humour.
Gossip can create connection with one person by creating separation from another.
Judgment says:
“People like you are all the same.”
Comparison says:
“Why can’t you be more like him?”
Shaming says:
“What’s wrong with you?”
And sometimes the cruelest words are spoken under the disguise of honesty:
“I’m just telling you the truth.”
Truth does not require cruelty.
Honesty does not require humiliation.
Boundaries do not require hatred.
And being hurt does not give us permission to hurt another person.
Where Does the Negative Tongue Come From?
The interesting thing is that destructive speech does not necessarily come from a destructive person.
Sometimes it comes from pain.
Sometimes it comes from fear.
Sometimes it comes from shame.
Sometimes it comes from jealousy.
Sometimes it comes from insecurity.
Sometimes it comes from anger.
Sometimes it comes from feeling powerless.
Sometimes it comes from the need to control.
Sometimes it comes from resentment that has been carried for years.
And sometimes we simply learned it.
We grew up hearing people speak to one another in a particular way, and we unconsciously adopted the same language.
We learned that anger sounds like shouting.
We learned that love sounds like criticism.
We learned that conflict means attack.
We learned that vulnerability is dangerous.
We learned that whoever speaks the loudest wins.
And eventually, those patterns can become our normal.
But learned behaviour can become conscious behaviour.
And conscious behaviour gives us a choice.
The Tongue Can Also Create Connection
There is another way of speaking.
A language that creates connection rather than separation.
Kindness sounds like:
“How can I help?”
Compassion sounds like:
“I can see that you’re struggling.”
Encouragement sounds like:
“Keep going. I believe in you.”
Validation sounds like:
“I can understand why you would feel that way.”
Empathy sounds like:
“Tell me what this has been like for you.”
Respect sounds like:
“I don’t agree with you, but I respect your right to see it differently.”
Accountability sounds like:
“I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
Responsibility sounds like:
“This is my part in what happened.”
Reassurance sounds like:
“We will work through this.”
Love sounds like:
“You matter to me.”
Sometimes connection requires only three words:
“I’m here.”
Sometimes healing requires two:
“I’m sorry.”
And sometimes peace begins with one:
“Listen.”
The Words Reveal the Inner World
Perhaps this is where the subject becomes much deeper.
We can spend our entire lives trying to change our words without ever asking what is producing them.
If bitterness is continually coming out of our mouth, perhaps there is bitterness inside that needs attention.
If anger is continually speaking, perhaps there is pain underneath the anger.
If judgment is constant, perhaps there is insecurity underneath the judgment.
If criticism is automatic, perhaps there is fear underneath the criticism.
If we constantly need to be right, perhaps something inside us is afraid of being wrong.
And if compassion continually comes through our words, perhaps we have developed the ability to see another person’s humanity even when we disagree with them.
Our words become a kind of mirror.
Not a perfect mirror.
But a mirror nevertheless.
Not Everything We Feel Needs to Be Spoken
This is an important distinction.
Feeling anger does not make you a bad person.
Feeling jealousy does not make you a bad person.
Feeling resentment does not make you a bad person.
Feeling hurt does not make you a bad person.
The question is:
What do you do with what you feel?
There can be anger without aggression.
There can be honesty without cruelty.
There can be boundaries without rejection.
There can be disagreement without disrespect.
There can be pain without punishment.
There can be truth without humiliation.
Emotional maturity does not mean never experiencing difficult emotions.
It means becoming conscious enough to choose what you do with them.
The Same Words Can Come From Completely Different Places
Consider the word:
“No.”
“No” can come from cruelty:
“No. I don’t care what you want.”
Or it can come from self-respect:
“No. I care about you, but I cannot do that.”
Consider:
“You need to change.”
It can be spoken with contempt:
“You’re impossible. You need to change.”
Or it can be spoken with compassion:
“I care about you, and I wonder whether there is something here that you might want to change.”
The words may look similar.
The energy behind them can be completely different.
This is why simply creating a list of “good words” and “bad words” isn’t enough.
We have to look deeper.
What Is Holding the Microphone?
Imagine that inside every person there are different voices.
Fear has a voice.
Pain has a voice.
Anger has a voice.
Shame has a voice.
Ego has a voice.
Insecurity has a voice.
But so does love.
So does compassion.
So does wisdom.
So does patience.
So does forgiveness.
So does understanding.
The question becomes:
Which one is holding the microphone?
When anger holds the microphone, we may speak words we later regret.
When fear holds the microphone, we may become defensive.
When shame holds the microphone, we may attack someone else before they can expose our vulnerability.
When ego holds the microphone, we may need to win every conversation.
But when compassion holds the microphone, we become curious.
When wisdom holds the microphone, we become thoughtful.
When love holds the microphone, we become careful with another person’s heart.
Before You Speak, Listen to Yourself
Perhaps the practice is not simply:
“Think before you speak.”
Perhaps it is:
“Listen before you speak.”
Listen to what is happening inside you.
Ask yourself:
Am I speaking from fear or from understanding?
Am I trying to connect or to punish?
Am I trying to communicate or to control?
Am I trying to be heard, or am I trying to hurt?
Is this truth necessary?
Can I say it with kindness?
What am I carrying that is trying to speak through me?
These questions can change a conversation.
And perhaps, over time, they can change a life.
Your Tongue Is More Than a Communication Tool
Your tongue can become an instrument of destruction.
Or it can become an instrument of healing.
It can tell someone:
“You are not good enough.”
Or:
“You can do this.”
It can say:
“I don’t care.”
Or:
“I’m here.”
It can say:
“This is your fault.”
Or:
“Let’s look at my part in this.”
It can say:
“I hate you.”
Or:
“I am hurt, and I need to understand what happened.”
Every conversation presents us with a choice.
Not always an easy choice.
But a choice.
What Is Speaking Through You?
Perhaps the journey begins by becoming aware of our words.
Then we begin to notice our patterns.
Then we begin to ask where those patterns came from.
Then something changes.
We stop simply trying to control our tongue.
We begin to understand ourselves.
Because the goal isn’t to pretend that anger doesn’t exist.
The goal isn’t to become artificially positive.
The goal isn’t to suppress difficult emotions.
The goal is to become conscious enough that our pain no longer has to speak for us.
We can acknowledge our anger without becoming cruel.
We can acknowledge our fear without attacking.
We can acknowledge our hurt without seeking revenge.
We can acknowledge our disappointment without becoming bitter.
And we can choose another language.
A language of kindness.
A language of compassion.
A language of understanding.
A language of forgiveness.
A language of respect.
A language of peace.
Because sometimes the most important change we can make isn’t changing what we say.
It is changing what is speaking through us.
Before you speak today, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
