There is someone we speak to more than anyone else in our lives.
Ourselves.
And sometimes, we are incredibly good at convincing ourselves of things that simply make us feel better.
We say:
“It’s not really that bad.”
“Things will change.”
“I’ll start tomorrow.”
“I had no choice.”
“Everyone else is doing it.”
“I’m doing it for them.”
“I deserve this.”
“I’m fine.”
Some of these statements may be true.
But sometimes they are not.
Sometimes they are stories we tell ourselves because the truth is uncomfortable.
THE MIND LOVES A COMFORTABLE STORY
The human mind doesn’t always look for the truth first.
Often, it looks for an explanation that allows us to feel safe.
If we have made a poor decision, we want a reason that makes the decision understandable.
If we have hurt someone, we want an explanation that makes us feel less responsible.
If we are unhappy, we want something or someone to blame.
If we are afraid to change, we create reasons why staying is actually the sensible thing to do.
The story protects us.
At least temporarily.
But a story that protects us from discomfort can also protect us from growth.
“I’M FINE”
Perhaps one of the most powerful stories we tell ourselves is:
“I’m fine.”
We say it when we are exhausted.
We say it when we are hurting.
We say it when we are angry.
We say it when we feel lost.
We say it because we don’t want to explain.
We say it because we don’t want people to worry.
And sometimes we say it so often that we eventually believe it.
But there is a difference between being fine and becoming very good at functioning while you are not fine.
You can go to work.
You can smile.
You can answer your phone.
You can make dinner.
You can pay your bills.
You can take care of everyone else.
And still be struggling inside.
Sometimes the first step toward change is simply admitting:
“I’m not fine.”
“I HAD NO CHOICE”
This is another powerful story.
Sometimes we genuinely have very limited choices.
Life can put us in circumstances we did not choose.
But there is a difference between having limited choices and having no choices at all.
We may not be able to choose what happened.
But we often have some choice in what we do next.
We may not choose what someone did to us.
But we can eventually choose how we respond.
We may not control what happened yesterday.
But we have some influence over what we do today.
Responsibility is not the same as blame.
Taking responsibility simply means recognising where your power begins.
“I’LL START TOMORROW”
Tomorrow is one of the most successful hiding places we have created.
Tomorrow we will exercise.
Tomorrow we will start the business.
Tomorrow we will have the conversation.
Tomorrow we will stop the habit.
Tomorrow we will write the book.
Tomorrow we will spend more time with our family.
Tomorrow we will finally take care of ourselves.
And then tomorrow becomes another tomorrow.
Until one day we look back and discover that years have passed.
There is nothing wrong with planning for tomorrow.
But sometimes “tomorrow” is simply fear wearing a calendar.
“I’M DOING THIS FOR THEM”
This one can be particularly difficult.
We convince ourselves that we are staying for the children.
We are working this hard for our family.
We are sacrificing ourselves for someone else.
We are tolerating the situation because we don’t want to hurt anyone.
Sometimes those sacrifices are genuine and necessary.
But sometimes they hide another truth.
Sometimes we are afraid.
Sometimes we don’t know how to leave.
Sometimes we are afraid of what people will think.
Sometimes we have become so accustomed to putting ourselves last that we no longer know what we actually want.
The important question isn’t whether you are doing something for someone else.
The question is:
Are you also being honest about what it is costing you?
THE STORIES WE USE TO PROTECT OUR EGO
Our ego doesn’t like being wrong.
It doesn’t like admitting mistakes.
It doesn’t like apologising.
It doesn’t like saying:
“I was wrong.”
So we create explanations.
We justify.
We defend.
We blame.
We reinterpret what happened.
We tell ourselves that the other person deserved it.
We convince ourselves that we were only reacting.
We make ourselves the victim of circumstances.
Sometimes there is truth in those explanations.
But sometimes they are simply ways of avoiding responsibility.
And every time we protect ourselves from accountability, we also protect ourselves from learning.
THE MOST DANGEROUS LIE MAY BE THE ONE THAT SOUNDS TRUE
The most effective stories are not obvious lies.
They contain enough truth to sound believable.
“I’ve always been like this.”
“That’s just my personality.”
“My circumstances won’t allow it.”
“People can’t be trusted.”
“I don’t have time.”
“I can’t change.”
“It’s too late.”
“I have to do this.”
Maybe.
But perhaps not.
The question isn’t whether the statement sounds convincing.
The question is:
Is it actually true?
ASK YOURSELF BETTER QUESTIONS
We don’t have to attack ourselves for the stories we have created.
Instead, we can become curious about them.
When you catch yourself saying:
“I can’t.”
Ask:
“Is that true, or am I afraid?”
When you say:
“I have no choice.”
Ask:
“What choices do I actually have?”
When you say:
“I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Ask:
“Why not begin today?”
When you say:
“I’m fine.”
Ask:
“What am I really feeling?”
When you say:
“It’s their fault.”
Ask:
“What is my responsibility?”
When you say:
“Things will change.”
Ask:
“What am I doing to create that change?”
These questions can be uncomfortable.
But they can also be liberating.
TRUTH DOESN’T NEED TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD
Perhaps we have misunderstood the purpose of truth.
Truth isn’t always supposed to make us feel better.
Sometimes truth makes us uncomfortable.
Sometimes it challenges us.
Sometimes it exposes our contradictions.
Sometimes it shows us that we have been part of the problem.
Sometimes it asks us to change.
But truth also gives us something that comfortable stories cannot:
a starting point.
You cannot change what you refuse to see.
You cannot heal what you refuse to acknowledge.
You cannot take responsibility for something you insist isn’t yours.
And you cannot build a different life while continuously explaining why you must remain in the same one.
WHAT STORY ARE YOU TELLING YOURSELF?
Perhaps today is a good day to listen carefully to your own language.
What do you repeatedly tell yourself?
What explanation do you use again and again?
What do you say when someone challenges you?
What do you tell yourself when you know you should change?
And then ask one simple question:
“Is this the truth, or is this the story I need to believe so that I don’t have to change?”
That question can be confronting.
But it can also be the beginning of something extraordinary.
Because sometimes the greatest freedom doesn’t come from discovering a new truth.
Sometimes it comes from finally admitting that the story you have been telling yourself is no longer true.
And when you stop telling yourself what you need to hear and start telling yourself what you need to know, something changes.
You become more honest.
More aware.
More responsible.
And perhaps, finally, more free.
WANT TO GO DEEPER?
These ideas are explored in greater depth in [BOOK].
The full version of the book is available as a digital download for R195.
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Sometimes the most important conversation you will ever have is the one you have with yourself.
What are you telling yourself today that you know isn’t completely true?
