People Will Treat You From Where They Are

There is one very specific thing you can learn about life that can make life considerably easier:

People will treat you from the place they are in—not necessarily from the place you are in.

Their behaviour, their words, their actions, their reactions and the way they respond to you will often tell you far more about where they are in their own lives than it tells you about who you are.

Every interaction contains information.

When someone speaks to you with kindness, compassion and respect, it tells you something about the place from which they are operating.

When someone responds with anger, dishonesty, manipulation, disrespect or cruelty, that also tells you something.

It is an indicator.

An indicator of where they are mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Their Behaviour Reveals Their Position

People don’t suddenly become someone else when they interact with you.

They bring themselves into the relationship.

They bring their thinking.

They bring their emotional maturity.

They bring their unresolved wounds.

They bring their fears.

They bring their values.

They bring their level of self-awareness.

They bring their spiritual understanding.

They bring their capacity for connection.

And they respond to you from that place.

This is why two different people can experience exactly the same situation with you and respond completely differently.

One person may respond with understanding.

Another may respond with defensiveness.

One may communicate.

Another may withdraw.

One may take responsibility.

Another may blame.

One may see an opportunity for growth.

Another may see a threat.

The difference isn’t necessarily you.

The difference may be where they are.

Mental Capacity

The way someone thinks and communicates can reveal where they are mentally.

Can they consider another perspective?

Can they have a difficult conversation without becoming destructive?

Can they question their own assumptions?

Can they admit when they are wrong?

Can they think beyond their immediate emotions?

Can they engage with complexity?

These behaviours tell you something.

They show you the mental space from which that person is operating.

And you don’t necessarily have to argue with what you discover.

You can simply observe it.

Emotional Capacity

The same is true emotionally.

How does someone respond when they are disappointed?

How do they respond when they are challenged?

Can they communicate their feelings?

Can they regulate themselves?

Can they apologise?

Can they forgive?

Can they tolerate uncomfortable conversations?

Can they take responsibility for the impact of their behaviour?

Their answers are not merely descriptions of their personality.

They are indicators of their emotional capacity and development.

And when you understand that, you stop taking every emotional reaction personally.

You begin to see it as information.

Physical Capacity

Even physical behaviour can reveal where someone is.

How they care for themselves.

How they treat their body.

How they manage their energy.

How they respond to physical intimacy.

How they respect boundaries.

How they use or misuse their physical presence.

These things can also tell you something about their relationship with themselves and with others.

The physical dimension is another expression of the person they currently are.

Spiritual Capacity

And then there is the spiritual dimension.

What does a person believe about life?

What gives their life meaning?

Can they look beyond themselves?

Can they experience humility?

Can they acknowledge something greater than their own ego?

Can they forgive?

Can they seek truth even when truth is uncomfortable?

Can they recognise their own responsibility for the life they are creating?

These things reveal something about where they are spiritually.

Again, it is information.

Don’t Confuse Their Behaviour With Your Worth

Perhaps one of the most important lessons is this:

The way someone treats you is not necessarily a measurement of your value.

Someone can disrespect you, and you can still be worthy of respect.

Someone can lie to you, and you can still be an honest person.

Someone can fail to appreciate you, and you can still have enormous value.

Someone can misunderstand you, and that doesn’t mean you are not worthy of being understood.

Someone can reject you, and that doesn’t mean you are rejectable.

Their behaviour tells you where they are.

It doesn’t automatically tell you who you are.

Stop Expecting People to Respond From Your Level

A great deal of suffering comes from expecting people to respond from the place where we are.

We think:

“If I am honest with them, they will be honest with me.”

“If I respect them, they will respect me.”

“If I love them, they will love me in the same way.”

“If I communicate openly, they will communicate openly.”

But people don’t necessarily meet us from where we are.

They meet us from where they are.

And that can be a difficult truth to accept.

Your level of honesty does not guarantee theirs.

Your emotional maturity does not guarantee theirs.

Your spiritual awareness does not guarantee theirs.

Your willingness to grow does not guarantee theirs.

You can only bring yourself to the relationship.

They bring themselves.

Their Treatment Is Information

This doesn’t mean we should tolerate harmful behaviour.

Quite the opposite.

When you understand that people’s behaviour is information, you become better at recognising what information is being given to you.

If someone repeatedly disrespects you, believe the information.

If someone consistently lies, believe the information.

If someone continually avoids accountability, believe the information.

If someone repeatedly demonstrates compassion, integrity and respect, believe that information too.

You don’t have to endlessly analyse someone’s behaviour.

Sometimes you simply have to observe it.

People show you where they are.

And if you pay attention, they usually show you quite clearly.

Life Becomes Easier When You Stop Taking Everything Personally

Perhaps this is the freedom that comes from understanding this principle.

You don’t have to make every person’s behaviour about you.

You can observe it without absorbing it.

You can recognise it without becoming consumed by it.

You can have compassion for where someone is without allowing where they are to determine where you go.

Their journey is theirs.

Your journey is yours.

Their level of consciousness is theirs.

Your level of consciousness is yours.

Their capacity is theirs.

Your responsibility is to continue developing yours.

And sometimes the healthiest response to someone’s behaviour isn’t to fight them, convince them, change them or punish them.

Sometimes it is simply to say:

“Now I understand where you are.”

And then make a conscious decision about whether you want to continue walking alongside them.

Because when you learn to see people’s behaviour as an indicator of where they are mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, something changes.

You become less reactive.

You become more discerning.

You become less offended.

You become more observant.

And ultimately, you become more responsible for the only person whose development you can truly control:

yourself.

People will treat you from where they are.

Let their behaviour show you where they are—and then decide where you are going.